Dreaming Out Loud
by PeaceMusic71
Summary: What if Maxie really was pregnant. What choices would she make? What kind of person would have she become? This is a different take on the life of Maxie Jones...
1. Part 1  Past Thoughts

_Come on skinny love just last the year_

_Pour a little salt, we were never here_

_My, my, my, my ,my, my, my, my_

_Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer_

- Skinny Love by Bon Iver

Life is unexpected. People say that life is just a series of unplanned events. That bad things are needed in order for a person to grow and learn. Some are decline to say that with every choice there's an particular outcome. 

While these are all insightful thoughts, they can very be a nicer version of life's reality. And the reality of it all, out of all the sayings, is that life is simply a bitch. 

The perfect example of this is Mariah Maximilliana Jones; especially now as she stands here alone. 

She has certainly learned by experience that life owns nothing to nobody. At the age of eighteen she felt and knew romantic love for the first time. 

While other girls her age planned for a future in college and careers, she planned for a future in marital bliss. 

Her bliss would be shared with Jesse Beaudry. He was a attractive, and honest man; he was the kind of man your parents would approve. 

He was the idealist guy to settled down with and start a family. Their attraction for one another was obvious at first sight and falling in love did not take long. However it is also at eighteen that Maxie, as she is know as, felt heartbreak for the first time. 

_She is over flown with emotions – anger, loneliness and sorrow, as she recalls that fateful night._

Jesse was a young detective with a bright future. He never backed down from what was right and always honored the oath to 'serve and protect.' The night he got shot will forever be embedded into Maxie's brain. 

He got shot at carnival, during a mob war and the ironic part - he was protecting the son of a mobster. That's what she loved and hated about him. She loved his willingness to protect all people but she hated he's carelessness. 

No second thought of safe or what honoring his 'oath' could cost him. Sometimes when she hears a sound of bang she remembers that night. She remembers Jesse pushing her to the ground. She remembers him pushing Diego Alcazar out of the line of fire. She also vividly remembers herself cradling Jesse's bloody head, praying for him to survive. 

She truly believed he was the one for her or at the very least wanted to believe that love can last forever. She wanted a life shared with Jesse Beaudry but life had other plans. Unfortunately for Maxie, Jesse was not her first lost. 

_She thinks about the love she was surrounded by growing_ up. 

She wonders if she is worthy of love – to be loved or capable to love anyone. She was convinced out of love, she knew that, even blessed with a little sister. Her childhood was filled with laughter and tears. 

Occasionally the tears over-powered the laughter, just like now as she clutches herself onto the cold white tiled bathroom floor. 

She clutches herself into a ball just like the night when she learned about Andrew 'Frisco' Jones, her father. 

As a young child she was a Daddy's little girl in every single way that mattered. She loved the nights where Frisco would put her into bed; telling her stories of his adventures. Frisco Jones was not your average father; he didn't even hold an 9 to 5 job. He was an adventurous man with even more adventurous job. 

He was an agent, an security agent for a security federal bureau. He was a man that gained fulfillment through his work. The type of job did not matter – the bureau, the police department or freelance – he enjoyed the rush. Performed missions with no regard on how dangerous it will be or long for that matter. 

When he became a father he cut back on the missions, conforming to the average life. He became comfortable with being an average guy raising an average family. As time pass Frisco's new life did not provide much fulfillment as his previous one. He loved his family, yes of course, especially his daughters but he loved his work more. 

Maxie gets the strength and courage to stand up over the sink, her eyes still closed. 

_She's not ready to accept reality just like she was not ready to accept the truth about her father_. It took her awhile to accept that it wasn't her fault. It wasn't her fault that Frisco did not enjoy the average everyday life. And it was certainly not her fault that her parents marriage failed. 

She wonders though, how long did it take for Frisco to realize that it was his fault for ruining a little girl's trust in the world? How long did it take him to realize that life of fatherhood was too deadening? Maybe it was the other way around. Did Frisco bought into the idea of having an simple everyday life – wife, kids and a mortgage? 

Maybe it took awhile for him to figure out that the simple life was not suited for him. Maybe he became scared when he found himself being trapped into the typical role of a husband and father. Perhaps that's the reason why one day, Andrew 'Frisco' Jones choose his fulfillment over reading a bedtime story to his little girl. 

And at the age of eight, Maxie felt abandonment for the first time. 

Since the age of eight, Maxie always felt alone especially at this moment. 

_She wishes for a mother's comfort only to be remembered that she doesn't have a mother anymore._

Felicia Jones dreamed of finding love just like Maxie dreamed. Felicia found that love twice – once with Frisco and the second with Mac Scorpio. Sadly for Mac Scorpio, Felicia's second love could not compete with the first. 

Mac Scorpio was a loving man who gracefully embraced parenthood. Welcomed them into his heart openly and with that heart came a new family for the three Jones girls. The Scorpio clan adopted Felicia and her daughters into the family very quickly. In this process Maxie gained an aunt or two and some cousins. Robin Scorpio over the years became more of an surrogate big sister than a cousin. 

Maxie grew to love her new family but it did not easy her pain of the departed Frisco Jones. Every atrocious decision made from childhood to the teenage years was done in an idiotic way to test her parents' love. No matter what the scheme she plotted or act committed they always forgive her. 

Forgiveness from Felicia Jones was no longer needed; not since the day Felicia got tried of being a mother just like her Frisco got tried of being a father. Felicia left for the search of adventure or more specifically on the search for Frisco Jones. 

The only thing Maxie has left at this moment is to pray that Mac will forgive her for her current transgression. 

No one, not even Maxie herself, would've reckoned that the stepfather would be the parent to stay. And he did, despite the bittersweet divorce and despite her mother's affair with Luke Spencer; Mac devoted his life to being a father. 

He provided her with unconditional loved, something every child wants and needs. Mac was a good parent, did all the things a father should do for his daughter. He took her to the annual Father-Daughter dance at Port Charles High School. Took her to the police station for bring 'your-daughter-to-work' day. Made chicken noddle soup when she was sick; bought her favorite ice cream when she had a bad day. 

Yet after all these things, despite Mac's unconditional love, deep down she asks the question every abandon child asks - "Why?" 

However it is not that abandonment of her biological parents to be the thing that damages Maxie Jones. 

She can hear her heartbeat race a thousand beats per a minute as she open her eyes, _'God, this can't be happening's he_ thinks to herself. 

The first unexpected event in the life of Maxie, was her failing heart at the tender age of five. She lays in a hospital bed covered with wires, each one with a different function. One was there to record her pulse rate and another to monitor her heart. 

An IV for the medications that the nurses inject into her body; a tube connected to the oxygen tank. Her time is spent sleeping most days; in and out of consciousness and denied any form of human contact. 

She was aware of it all; she was aware that she was sick but she was unaware of how sick. Why she was denied any form of human contact? Why her cousin, Robin, always cried at a visit? Then one day she got a new heart. 

The IV was removed, a oxygen tank no longer need. Pain killer pills were replace with anti-rejection pills. She was allowed to be back home, to be hugged by her family once again. She eventually stopped questioning on way she still had to visit the doctors once a month. 

She even stopped questioning on why her cousin Robin, always cried. She soon though began to question about another cousin. She questioned on why she has yet to see her cousin and best-friend, BJ Spencer? 

And so at the age of six, Maxie, also comprehended the feeling of survivor's guilt. 

Fast forward thirteen years later, Maxie is now nineteen. In her mind she suppose to be married to Jesse Beaudry by now. 

They had everything planned – she wanted kids but he wanted her to attend college first. She wanted him off field work but he enjoyed his job. He wanted kids too but didn't want her to have any regrets; she knew Jesse loved his job but worried about his safety. 

Maxie biggest fear was to have Jesse resent her; to have him one day become another Frisco Jones or worse she becomes another Felicia Jones. So a comprised was made to suit both their needs and feelings. She agreed to attend Post Charles University, part-time and they'll try for kids a year into their marriage. In turn he'll switch to desk duty with the promise that he'll never leave or resent her. 

Unfortunately that promise was broken by unforeseen circumstances. 

She never had the chance to go dressing shop with her sister, Georgie, and her cousin, Robin. Never had the moment where Mac will walk her down the aisle. Never experienced a honeymoon; never got the moment to say '_I do_.' 

She'll never know what their children will look like or argue over what names to pick out. They'll never get a chance to grow old together with gray hair and all. He promised he'll never resent her but now she resented him. 

She resented for him breaking his promise of never leaving her. She resented him for getting shot. She resented him for not switching to desk duty when she first asked. She resented him for taking over Lucky Spencer's shift. She even resented Lucky Spencer for asking Jesse to take over the shift. However, that resentment did not stop her from mourning three months and certainly did not stop her from falling into Lucky Spencer's bed. 

She can't help but think how ironic life can be sometimes as she hears someone trying to open the bathroom door. It seems that the Spencer family has effortlessly become part of the package that life has given her. 

Bobby Spencer has somehow became an aunt-figure in Maxie's life. Bobby's daughter, BJ Spencer, give her a second chance at life. Luke Spencer prohibited any possible chance of reconciling for Felicia and Mac. A decade later it also seems that infidelity is a trait in the Spencer family. Her sister's marriage ended thanks to Lulu Spencer, though Maxie, is no place judge. 

She tells herself that she betrayed everyone. She betrayed Elizabeth's newly somewhat friendship. 

_She hears a knock_. Her mind is utterly confused. She betrayed everything Mac taught her in life. 

_She hears two more knocks_. She betrayed Jesse's love and her heart breaks into a dozen pieces. 

_She hears another set of knocks_. There is an outcome to Lucky's infidelity, she thinks for a moment, it's her infidelity as well. She may very well be a single woman but in her mind she cheated on Jesse. 

She didn't want this to happen. It was just a way to grieve; a one night stand that wouldn't stop. 

The knocking on the door becomes more rapid and urgent. 

This situation was an unplanned event but she allowed the outcome to happen. She finally comes to the realization that it hurts so much not because she betrayed the people around her but because she betrayed herself. 

She allowed herself into Lucky's bed when ever she became depressive or aggravated by the world. 

Now here she is, 15 minutes over lunch time, locked inside the Metro Court bathroom. 

She was a lonely person seeking solace in another lonely person, who just happened to be married. 

_She hears more knocks_. She stares down at two pink lines hoping that her eyes are deceiving her. 

Perhaps it's a false positive, that's common thing, then again she hasn't received a monthly visit in two months. It could also be due to stress like the stress the knocker at the door is giving her right now. 

She redirects her eyes from the pregnancy test to the door when the knocking stops, "Maxie, open the door...It's Carly." Life is a bitch.


	2. Part 2: Conversations Revealed

_Friends they turn away, Lordy Lord._

_Well, I keep moving on_

_But I never found out why_

_I keep pushing so hard a dream,_

_I keep trying to make it right_

_Through another lonely day._

- Kozmic Blues, Janis Joplin

You ever get that feeling where all eyes were on you? That your every move was recorded and then later put on to display. Or wonder how many people are passing judgments as you walk on by? It's like there's this suspicious clock just ticking a way in your brain. Just counting the days, the minutes until your mind turns into rapid paranoia. For Maxie Jones its been exactly six days, 20 hours and 22 minutes.

"Coffee, black...please."

"Coffee?"

"Black...I said please!"

"Herbal tea is always nice too."

Make that six days, 20 hours, 22minutes, and 30 seconds.

* * *

><p><em>"Maxie, open the door." It just had to be her, Maxie thought to herself.<em>

_Out of all the people in the Metro Court, it just had to be her. It had to be her boss, and more importantly, a Spencer at that, "Let me in now, and I'll pretend you didn't exceeded your lunch time and let you keep your job."_

_Pretend...what a nice word; what a lovely notion. __Perhaps she can pretend that she's not pregnant. Pretend she never slept with Lucky Spencer. __Pretend that Jesse is still alive but she can't. __Life hit her in the face with a reality check and it mocks her. It mocks her with pink lines on a stick. It mocks her because instead of Jesse as the father, its Lucky Spencer._

_It's only been a minute since Carly asked to be let in but it feels more like an hour._

_Another second passes before she finds the courage to get up and unlock the door but not enough courage to open the door, "it's unlocked."_

_"What the hell Maxie," Carly let's herself into the bathroom, "I had to have Marty call me from home and...have you been crying?"_

_She had a speech prepared on how to tell people the news. Two different versions of course, one for her family and the other for Lucky. __Both had a similar concept, the first part would be an apology. She would apologize for her actions and then mention how she never meant for it happen. __She never pictured Carly as the person to receive the speech. __On the other hand it has been three months of silence. "I am sorry. I am so sorry but please don't...don't tell them I beg you. Not till I know..."_

* * *

><p>"Who told you?"<p>

"Tell me what, Maxie?"

"Offering herbal tea as a replacement for coffee. I don't like drinking herbal tea, you know that from our brief...associate. So, I am asking you again, who told you?"

"The operative words being 'brief associate?' You known a guy can change. People change everyday, Maxie, besides too much caffeine isn't good for the...heart... so I heard."

"Who told you?"

"It's a small town...people talk."

* * *

><p><em>It's been three months of silence and it took a total of ten minutes to tell Carly everything. She was never interrupted; she talked and Carly listened. Seven minutes was spent describing how everything happen. <em>_The other three was spent crying while Carly held her. _

_"You not going tell anyone are you?"_

_"It's not my place to tell, Maxie."_

_"Not your place to tell? You're a Spencer?"_

_"We Spencers, know how to keep our word...well depends on the moment. And at this moment I am promising you I won't say anything."_

* * *

><p>"Maxie, I am sorry. I honestly don't think many people know and I am pretty sure most people think it just a rumor anyhow."<p>

"Most people? That doesn't make me feel any better. Rumor, uh, how did you know it's true?"

"Cause I was there, remember, I mean, I was there...you know...over-dose," he whispered too avoid the other patrons at Kelly to hear their conversation.

"I know what you mean. I am trying to figure how it spread around town, there's only two people I told." she whispered back with frustration.

"Well, who were the two people?"

"I told Robin, she would never reveal this to someone else. Elizabeth works at the hospital, maybe she over heard or saw my file, I don't know."

"That could be a possibility but I doubt Elizabeth will risk her job unless Elizabeth knew about...who's the other person you told?"

"Carly."

"As in Carly Spencer?"

"Is there another Carly that we both know!"

"Maxie, Lulu is the one that told me."

* * *

><p><em>"Thank you but that's not what I meant, you're Spencer and loyalty is a given in your family. Won't you be betraying them but keeping this secret?"<em>

_"I don't own Luke anything, we never got along. Lucky is in no position to talk about betrayal. Lulu, I love her like a sister but she was once in the same boat as you. Besides it's  
>not Lulu or Luke's business. This is something between you and Lucky to figure out."<em>

_"What about Elizabeth?"_

_"I feel for her, I really do but to be honest...I never liked her. In fact I can't stand her, no one is that sweet...is that a smile, I see. Look at us bonding over a common dislike of another human being!"_

_"Still, I am sorry to put you into this position."_

_"If I was ever in a position to chose between Jason and the Spencer clan, I would chose Jason in a heartbeat."_

_"I am confused?"_

_"I guess what I am trying to say is...loyalty and DNA doesn't always tie together. Loyalty is about trust; it's about being there. So trust me, as person who's been there, pregnant and scared, your secret is safe with me."_

* * *

><p>How many people knew better yet, who knows? Elizabeth, Lucky, or the whole Spencer clan? Why haven't they confronted her yet? Where they just waiting for Lucky to return from rehab? So many questions to be answered and there's only person to answer them.<p>

It's been five days, 20 hours, and 54 minutes since she last talked to Carly. However it's only been 31 minutes since she discovered that Carly betrayed her trust.

She shouldn't be shocked by this or could she? The Spencers stick together, it's like in their DNA just like coning people to get their own needs served. Did Carly con sympathy towards the scared, lonely and pregnant girl. How long did Carly wait to tell the Spencer clan – a day, an hour or did she call them up the moment their "secret" conversation was over.

It's now been 33 minutes since she discovered that people have been talking about her and it's now or never – knock or leave; leave or knock.

'_What if her kids are at home?_' Maxie thinks to herself. She's mad beyond words, of course, but she doesn't want to cause a scene in front of innocence children.

'_Maybe, I am wrong?_' She thinks again.

'_Maybe Elizabeth found out from Robin somehow and then talked to Lulu_?' Her hand is prepared to knock, a inch away from the door, '_I should confront Lulu first, that's the logically thing...right?_' Her hand goes down. She takes a step back from the door ready to flee back into her car.

"You take forever to knock on a door just as it takes you answer one!"

"Carly, I didn't realize you were home."

"You would've found out a lot sooner if you knocked" she amused the other blonde with a slightly grin. "You gonna come in or do you need another five minutes?" Carly joked with a small faction of seriousness.

"Are you kids home?" Maxie, stated more than asked, she entered the home the moment Carly replied with a simple 'no.'

"What something hot to drink, it's pretty cold outside, I am surprise you're not shivering."

"Yeah, well wearing two t-shirts, a sweater and a scarf helps to stay warm. Coffee would be nice, thanks" she spoke as she removed her scarf and gloves.

"Um...I am actually out of coffee...you know Jax, just bought this mint peppermint tea that's real good if you would..."

"SERIOUSLY? Is there something about pregnant women and coffee that I am not aware of?"

"It's nothing, just too much caffeine is usually not good for the baby."

"So says, Diego, of all people. I was hoping he was wrong."

"Diego?" Carly asked stunningly, "Diego knows. I thought Lucky was the father here! Why would you tell Diego before telling Lucky?"

"I didn't...which is way I am here" Maxie responding defensibly, "apparently people have been talking and according to Diego, he got his source from Lulu."

"Really..." Carly stated with worry.

"You told her, didn't you" Maxie stated, "you told her when you promised me you wouldn't."

"I didn't break my promise, she found out on her own two days ago and came to me with the news."

"HOW? How did she found out...you know what that doesn't matter because you confirmed it when you could of lied!"

"I didn't confirm anything, Maxie."

"Really, cause it's not like you don't know how to lie."

"I didn't know what to say, okay. She stormed in one afternoon, yelling to me about family loyalty and...I don't know how she find out about she knew and she knew that I knew okay."

"Bullshit, I would so want to believe you right now but lets be realistic here, if Jason Morgan needed an alibi for a murder charge you can easily lie to a cop but not to Lulu Spencer about a pregnancy."

"Realistically Maxie, we all know about Lucky's drug addiction. Everyone who knows you, seen how closely you attached yourself to Lucky since Jesse's death. And Lulu is a smart girl, and it was only amount of time before people start to talk but I swear to you I never betrayed your trust. I want to be your friend here."

"Your right, people were bound to talk eventually, I mean its Port Charles, where everybody knows everybody's business" Maxie fought to hold her tears as she picked her gloves and purse, "six days ago, I gave a you a chance to be my friend and you blew that chance two days ago," she zipped up her coat and lost a potential friend.

* * *

><p>It's now been six days, 22 hours, and 58 minutes since Carly knew the truth about her pregnancy.<p>

It's been two days, 22 hours and 59 minutes since Carly supposedly confirmed her pregnancy to Lulu.

It's been one day and 23 hours since Diego was told about the pregnancy from Lulu.

How many people were told within two days and 23 hours? How long till the news reaches to Mac or Lucky or do they know already?

It's now officially been 25 minutes since she ended her potential friendship with Carly. It took her 10 minutes to drive home and then it took all of minute to know she wasn't ready to face Mac. She has spent the last 15 minutes parked in her car.

She wonders why it's so hard to tell Mac the news. She easily poured her heart out to Carly with no regard on how the woman would react.

She barely knew Carly and maybe that's what made it so easy. She didn't care what Carly thought about her but she cared what Mac thought. She couldn't bare the thought of seeing disappoint in Mac's eyes. Disappoint on how the girl he raised became a home-wrecker; he had so many hopes for her and it did not include her being pregnant at nineteen.

She needed someone to talk. Someone that knew her more than Carly did but not as close to her as Mac. Someone who's been there; made mistakes just as bad and wouldn't judge her. More importantly someone who could keep a secret.

It's been six days, 23 hours and 50 minutes since she last opened up to a person. She exits her car into the cold windy night and crosses the street.

"Hey," she smiles.

"Hi, how are you?"

"Stressed. How about you, busy day at work?" she asks.

"Not really. Work with the same people, heard some interesting stories here or there."

"You think you got some time to hear another?" she asks with some hope in her voice.

"Of course. Want something to drink first," he states more than asks.

"We got any mint peppermint tea available?"

"You're in luck, today is free mint peppermint tea for the stressed out girl," he jokes with a smile, "where does the story start?" It's been six days, 23 hours and 55 minutes of paranoia for Maxie.

"Well, it started about three months ago..." and thanks to Diego Alcazar Maxie's paranoia never reached a seventh day.


End file.
